Everything was still. I heard the leaves rustle outside of my bedroom window as my curtains embrace the effortless breeze of another day. I hid from the sunlight, too afraid to face the world at the moment. Therefore I remain hidden beneath my bedsheets, too tired to sit on the computer, too restless to even try. It’s taken a toll on me. It’s easy for anyone to mutter the worlds “It will be okay” but I know it’s not going to be any time soon.  

At some point, everyone gets tired of hearing me talk about it because to them, it’s either another phase that they have already overcome, or something they will never understand. This is beyond telling your parents that you were too lazy to go to school. I can’t even use the argument of “At least I am not out selling drugs”. I feel deeply hopeless with encountering one hopeless situation after one is conquered. I’m spending my life walking through a maze of hopeless situations. I look at this monumental mess, knowing deep down that it’s so much bigger than me and all I can do is laugh and smile to hide my suffering. I mask my depression with an outgoing personality, but even at times, my anxiety makes it impossible for me to interact with other human-beings. I travel a lot searching for who I am, since I lost myself many years ago. I am filled with fear. I think I’m entirely lost and I am not coming back. My mind is blown. There are days where I’m not even scared. There are days where I don’t mind the thought of dying alone. Lately, all I want is be alone because people are just..(fill in the blanks). Every time I am around other people I feel like they are looking at me like I’m a monster. I act strange because I’m in agony and I’m in pain. I’m hurting from the everyday flashbacks and I’m scared.

It’s just a matter of time. I know that. I know everything will fall into place. I know it all works out for the best. I know that it’s not the end of the world, but every single intake of air has become excruciating. I am on the edge of my seat because I fear that as soon as I exhale, I will end up losing everything. All at once. I’m holding my breath and my eyes are pulsing with pain. 

And so I remained still. While the leaves continue to dance along with the winds, while the children taint their minds with television, while the world continues to spin, while everything is quiet, I feel as though I am standing in the middle of the Apocalypse. The ground that once supported my being is knocked out from beneath my feet. The air that once supported life is in danger of being crushed by reality. I have no choice.

I have to walk blind.