I wasn’t always this pessimistic and negative.

Once upon a time, I was the most optimistic person you could ever meet. Sitting here now and looking back on it, it wasn’t the real me. The face of optimism was not for me, it was for those around me. ­I’ve always been the rational one, the mature one, the one who socially understands the right morals and common decency, the one with respect and love that runs through the world. I was always the guy who was friends with everyone because I never let people make my mind up for me. I chose whether I liked someone, and even if they made a mistake, screwed me over or hurt me, I was always naive enough to forgive them. I was that kind of guy. I always hoped and believed that people could change and become better people, for themselves, and for those around them. That all stopped one day, those thoughts that everything was going to be okay, it just stopped. It’s so easy to say that from that day on all my problems started, but my problems had started a long time ago before then. I was just too busy running away from it all and praying that I don’t trip up in the process, but one day I stumbled, and before I could avoid it and gain back my balance, I landed face first into all the crap I never dealt with.

I was not able to be that optimistic guy for anyone, especially for myself.

However, a few days ago, I made the commitment and the choice to recover. It is my choice. It always has been and it always will be. My friends asked me how much I wanted it and right now, I want it pretty bad. I need to be better, because there’s no where to go but up. I choose recovery. I choose happiness. I choose to make changes to be more than just a potential, to be my very best. I’m taking back the control I lost over my life. I will be my own hero.

Why now? I don’t know. I guess I realized with the pattern of thoughts and filters I had created and reinforced that nothing will ever be good enough and nothing will ever make me happy. The world shouldn’t be black and white in my eyes, and things shouldn’t be either just a zero or a ten. There are myriad of colors in existence. There are infinite amount of points in between and no matter where I am, there is always something to appreciate. It’s not about where I’m standing, it’s about which way I’m facing.

Things will get better, and I will be okay. I am making the choice and the commitment, and I will continue to make a choice every day, no matter how hard it is. I deserve to smile, I deserve to be happy and I deserve to be at peace with myself. One day, it won’t be this hard. One day, it won’t be a struggle each day and I won’t have to fight to make this choice. I don’t know when that one day will come, but that’s okay, because it’s baby steps.

And so I will continue to remind myself, there is always something I can do to make my situation better.