There was a time in my life where I felt a compulsive need to preserve memories. There’s two shoeboxes on my shelf full of photos and random mementos from my on going high school years—the type of stuff that’s meaningless to everyone, but the person who collects it. Nowadays I generally am more than a little bit hesitant to open them up. But of course, I do it anyway.

It makes me feel regret to look inside. But why? I expected at the very least, a feeling of bittersweetness.

This quote came to mind:

Every one of us is losing something precious to us. Lost opportunities, lost possibilities, feelings we can never get back again. That’s part of what it means to be alive.

(Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore).

I guess the inevitable passage of time is just extremely depressing. Life is pretty good now, but I’d give anything to relive my first years of high school and care more about the people around me and having fun, or go back and learn to love to run again, to not drag myself to classes, do taekwondo again, etc. It’s funny how memories work. They usually don’t intrude into our present consciousness but it’s more than possible to transport ourselves into the past in a daydream. To remember the kind things people have done for us; the tender moments. (I don’t remember too well any other ones, which makes me think that I’m even more sensitive than I originally thought). The things that stand out are surprisingly crisp. I can remember exact way the sun hung in the sky on a particular day, and all sorts of immature feelings. Excitement over getting a new friend. Sadness over the vast expanse of time ahead of me, because nothing good would last. Obviously there were a lot more.

So what’s my point? It’s very easy to start thinking this way. To wish that we could change this or that in the past, or relive some moment. But there’s a thousand cliches that say otherwise. The past is pretty meaningless once it has no bearing on the present. And if we waste all our time focusing on the future then we might die and regret it. I’m sick of hearing crap about how you only live once, so you should live it up, etc. People are stupid; it’s always a grey zone—a contradiction. You gotta prepare for a rainy day; prepare for adult responsibilities, but also find satisfaction in the present, never only one way or the other.

That’s all for now… there will probably be a continuation of this train of thought sometime in the near future.