It’s raining, and something about the rain drops just ignites the kept away spark in my mind, the part of my mind that yearns to write and let demons out and to escape reality for a short period of time by venting out thoughts and feelings masked subliminally under my words of choice. So even though I don’t entirely express my dark emotions directly, you can still tell the pain and sadness in my writing.

Flashbacks are tough to negate from reoccurring, but my mind enjoys replaying incidents that forever haunt my life. And so I drown in suffering and regret once in a while. Although my past is way behind me, the damages have been done still stays within me. I’m living with scars that vividly remind me every second of my life that I’ve been through a great deal of pain and it took a toll on my way of thinking. It heavily altered my mind set, but even so, I’m a strong individual so I see it as a passageway to evolving myself into a more advance human being with greater knowledge than the majority of the world. One of the questions that constantly roam around my system is, “Is becoming more open minded worth the (social) anxiety and depression?” To not be able to have fun and enjoy parties and social events in my younger days. I guess that all comes down to how I perceive it, but days of color exchanged for days of gray was never really worth it for me. I miss the feeling of just waking up on a sunny day, standing outside and just embracing the sun and the good vibes it has to offer. The wind blowing across my face sending goosebumps throughout my entire body. Nowadays I haven’t seen the sun for years, does it even shine anymore? And being numb to the world is not a pleasant thing to experience, cause what’s the point of being alive if you don’t feel alive? Perhaps I was given a greater purpose in life, but I’d hate to think that I’m greater than the person next to me. I see us as all equals with unlimited potential, some have unlocked certain parts of their brain, some haven’t, and some never will, but it’s there. Some were born already exposed to the smartness some have yet to unravel. But I strongly believe that the mistakes that we make in our lives do not happen for a reason, and if we make a great mistake that forever changed ourselves from the way we were naturally supposed to grow, we are going against natural order. I used to agree with the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’ until something unfortunate happen to me, then I started thinking deeper into the saying—if a man gets into a car accident and loses his arms and legs, what now? Did this happen for a reason? If a man gets burned by an iron by his girlfriend and his face is forever scared and disassembled. What now? Did this happen for a reason? Perhaps I’m being a little of an extremist at this point, but can you blame me for what has happen to me? I don’t know.

Misery comes few and far between for me, but this empty feeling I can never dodge, this void will never fulfill for as long as I continue to have the same art of thinking. It’s hard to think another way though, because once your brain is exposed to one certain way, it will always be in the back of your mind. Over analyzing is the gateway cause of a lot of other mental struggles. This abyss that I’ve fallen into is sinking me in deeper as the days pass by, and I feel like I’m losing grasp of who I am. For a while now, I have felt like I’ve been living my life in a third person view. My surroundings have felt strange for the longest time, and nothing around me feels real. Perhaps I’m mildly, borderline, insane but I just know how to mask my insanity because I’ve lived a normal life for a long time. I feel disconnected to the world, I feel disconnected to myself. I wonder if I see the world the same as other people. My whole life has recently felt like, literally, a dream. I go to sleep hoping I’d wake up one day and actually feel awake. After days and days of hoping, I finally realized that this is my life. This is what my life has turned into. What can I do from here? Where do I go from here?